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Who Am I? Where did I go?


There is a sadness in my eyes that never goes away. I know the cause. It is from the realization that I may soon move from damaged to broken. Yet, with that knowledge, I'm unsure if I can figure out how to prevent it.

I fear it is inevitable.

Each day, I drag myself from bed. Each day, I only have one goal -- get home. Each night, I sleep not, so afraid of tomorrow.

I have been suffering for the last two or so years. Recent events have made it worse, but the problem has been there.

I have been damaged by others. I have harmed my health for them. I am close to breaking because of them.

I am no longer me. Who am I? Where did I go?

Although not near an ocean, the ocean has often healed my soul, there is a body of water within walking distance. A river that has been close much of my life. Not just at home, but I've crossed paths with the Susquehanna away at school and while living in York. For much of my life, she has been a much realized constant.

I've admired her beauty. I've followed her path. I know her power.

Yet, walking along her banks, even with a background so majestic, I can't manage to force a smile.

For me, there is no happiness. For me, there is no passion. For me, there no joy.

I am no longer me. Who am I? Where did I go?

Now, as I sit here writing, I hear breathing followed by a soft bark demanding my attention. I look to my left. As she watches me sob for no reason, the look in her eyes reflects my sadness -- even my little dog knows I'm no longer me.

As I look at her, my emotions become less controllable. What were slight sobs intensify to genuine tears. She shuffles and moves closer. Her head now against my leg. I rub her little head. The crying subside.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know where to turn. I don't know whom to turn.

If I can't write -- If I can't create -- If I can't craft a story --

--I am no longer me. --Who am I? --Where did I go?

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